Good Bye, Pep.

My time with Pepper did not last long. In less than a year she was taken away from me. I never thought I had to
experience such thing in life. Not this soon.

Pepper was diagnosed with wet FIP (Feline Infectious Peritonitis) in September. I heard about that disease but I was not aware how deadly it was. The first time vet suspected that she had FIP, I still thought that it was curable, that in time, with the help of some medications and good care, Pepper would get better. How wrong I was.

She had always been a weak girl. At 2 months old, she got diarrhea that made her lost appetite. Not long after she recovered, she got ringworm all over her body. Then after her first shot, she had to be put in pet motel for about a month, where she caught flu.
However, she still managed to get spayed and vaccinated fully. Afterwards, I noticed some change of behaviours. Slowly, she retracted herself from me. I thought it had something to do with her turning into a teenager, that it was just a phase. She was a very cuddly kitten, almost never left my side, but she turned into an aloof cat. I thought that she needed a friend, that maybe she got stressed that she had to spend time alone when I go to work.

Also, she did not gain any weight since she was spayed. Her weight stayed at 2.5 kg since she was 6 months old until the day she passed.

She started vomiting in July. It happened after I picked her up from pet motel for a little more than a week. I thought she caught some bacteria there. But after three days, she recovered. It occurred again the month after where we had to run to the vet, and two months afterwards, when medications no longer worked.

Watching her suffering was difficult. It was devastating because there was nothing I can do. She didn’t want to eat, she just sat in the corner of the room or searched somewhere dark to hide. Giving her medicines was a struggle. She refused to swallow anything. I knew she felt sick because she made “burying” motion with her front paws whenever she came near her food bowl. I think she was feeling hungry, but the smell of food made her sick she couldn’t eat.

She won’t eat to the point that I had to force fed her. She kept on fighting food it felt like a torture. It was not easy. Many times I had emotional breakdown because she won’t cooperate. She would slap the syringe away, creating a lot of mess on the floor and all over my body. I was certain that if I try hard enough, she finally will get better.

But she got worse. Nothing seemed to help her. She had stopped fighting. Every time she looked at me she gave me this look that she was in pain. A silent plea that she could no longer take it. Her eyes turned dull, she lost her weight, she moved very slow, and her belly swelled. She still wanted some lap time and cuddles but she was no longer able to jump onto the chair. It was heartbreaking.

But being a sweet kitty as she was, she still purred every time I stroke her fur. She never skipped an evening waiting for me behind the door to greet me when I got back home. She tried to turn on her back and showed her belly even though I knew it was not easy for her to do. She was such a sweet girl until her very last days.

I joined a Facebook group about FIP advisory and care. Admins and members (comprised of vets and researchers as well as cat parents) in that group had been very helpful in providing information about FIP in general, the possibility of misdiagnosis, and typical prescribed medications. They also gave me a lot of emotional support, since many of them had been through this before. They genuinely sympathised, subtly suggested that perhaps Pepper had decided to give up by refusing to eat. That it was maybe time to let go.

At first I was conflicted about this. I was still uncertain and unsure whether I had to put her to sleep or let her go naturally. I put a lot of thought on which one seemed to be the better option for her. Last thing I wanted was to see her go through the pain constantly.

I tried to get second opinion about Pepper condition, with a piece of hope that perhaps she was misdiagnosed. However, the second vet was certain that she had FIP. He gave her steroid injection and prescribed a lot of pills to help her ease some pain, and another diuretic capsules to help draining fluid off her stomach. Unfortunately, they did not improve her condition, and since her belly remain empty her condition dropped further.

A couple of days later, I finally decided that it was time to let go. One afternoon, I left work to pick her up and made one way trip to the hospital. I had to put her to sleep. There was this standard procedure where vet will assess whether an animal is eligible to be euthanised or not, but with just one look at her, vet agreed to do the procedure.

I had her put to sleep and buried in the hospital that afternoon. I spent some time there while crying like a baby. I blamed myself, I felt guilty, I felt sad that she only got to live for a short time, I was crushed that Pepper did not deserve this pain. She was a wonderful soul.

I still miss her.